"You always seem so confident and self-assured!"
If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, I‘d be a wealthy woman. Friends, colleagues, even casual acquaintances frequently comment on how I exude confidence in social situations, professional settings, and in tackling new challenges.
And while part of me relishes these compliments—who doesn‘t enjoy being seen as self-assured and capable?—another part of me always cringes a little inside. Because the truth is, I often don‘t feel nearly as confident as I apparently look.
The Confidence Paradox
Confidence is a funny thing. The dictionary defines it as "a feeling or consciousness of one‘s powers or of reliance on one‘s circumstances." But in practice, confidence is largely in the eye of the beholder. What looks like confidence to others may not match how you feel inside.
Think about the last time you psyched yourself up for an important presentation or a first date. You probably took extra care with your appearance, rehearsed what you were going to say, and commanded yourself to "fake it ‘til you make it." To an outside observer, you likely appeared poised and self-assured, even if your inner monologue was more along the lines of "Don‘t screw this up!"
This disconnect between our outward confidence and inner self-doubts is incredibly common. We live in a society that rewards confidence, so we learn from an early age to project an aura of self-assurance even when we‘re quaking in our boots.
Over time, portraying confidence can become second nature, to the point where people take it for granted that someone who speaks up in meetings or introduces themselves to strangers at a party must be genuinely self-assured. But scratch the surface and you‘ll often find a much more nuanced reality.
The Role of Technology in Perceptions of Confidence
In today‘s digital age, the pressure to project confidence is more intense than ever. Social media platforms like Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn incentivize users to showcase the highlight reels of their lives and careers, glossing over the inevitable struggles and insecurities that we all face.
Scrolling through endless images of people who seem to have it all together—thriving careers, picture-perfect relationships, enviable travel and leisure—can make us feel like everyone else has confidence in spades. But as the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. Measuring ourselves against the curated versions of people we see online is a recipe for eroded self-worth.
Technology also shapes the way we communicate and express ourselves, often in ways that can make us seem more self-assured than we really feel. Behind the safety of a screen, it‘s easier to adopt a bolder tone, share strong opinions, or project an air of effortless wit and charisma.
But when we step away from our devices and interact face-to-face, we may struggle to embody that same sense of easy confidence. As playwright Wilson Mizner famously quipped, "All the world‘s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
The Science of Confidence
So what exactly is confidence, and where does it come from? Psychologists define self-confidence as a belief in one‘s abilities, qualities, and judgment. It‘s closely related to concepts like self-efficacy (belief in one‘s ability to succeed in specific situations), self-esteem (overall sense of personal value), and optimism (general expectation that good things will happen).
While some people seem to be born with an abundance of natural confidence, for most of us it‘s a quality that develops over time through a complex interplay of factors:
Genetics: Some research suggests that confidence may be partly heritable, with certain genes influencing neurotransmitters linked to mood and self-assurance.
Upbringing: The messages we receive from parents, teachers, and other influential figures in childhood can have a profound impact on our self-worth and confidence as adults. Children who are consistently praised for their efforts and encouraged to take risks tend to develop a more robust sense of self.
Life experiences: Overcoming challenges, learning from failures, and accumulating successes (even small ones) all contribute to a sense of competence and resilience over time.
Thought patterns: Confident people tend to interpret events in a self-serving way, attributing successes to their own efforts and chalking up failures to external circumstances. They also tend to practice self-compassion, treating themselves with kindness and understanding rather than harsh judgment.
It‘s worth noting that confidence isn‘t the same thing as arrogance or narcissism. People with healthy self-assurance are generally also humble, acknowledging their flaws and limitations rather than believing they‘re superior to others.
The Costs of Seeming Confident
So what‘s the big deal if people think you‘re more confident than you really are? Isn‘t that better than the alternative—being perceived as insecure or timid?
Well, yes and no. On one hand, projecting confidence even when you‘re uncertain can be a valuable skill. It allows you to take risks, seize opportunities, and inspire faith from others. The whole "fake it till you make it" approach is popular for a reason—it often works.
But there are downsides to being seen as supremely self-assured when you‘re actually grappling with self-doubt:
Imposter syndrome: When people consistently overestimate your confidence, it can fuel feelings that you‘re a fraud who will be "found out" any minute. You may worry that you can‘t possibly live up to others‘ lofty perceptions of your abilities.
Suppressing vulnerability: If you‘re always donning a mask of confidence, you may struggle to let your guard down and acknowledge when you‘re feeling unsure, overwhelmed, or in need of support. Over time, tamping down those vulnerable emotions can be exhausting and isolating.
Reinforcing limiting beliefs: Every time someone marvels at your confidence, it can reinforce the (false) notion that you‘ll never measure up to the way others see you. Instead of helping you cultivate genuine self-assurance, these external validations can make you feel like even more of an imposter.
Consider these sobering statistics:
According to a 2019 survey by Vantage Circle, 75% of female executives across industries reported experiencing imposter syndrome in their careers.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine found that up to 82% of professionals in fields like medicine, law and academia suffer from persistent self-doubt and feelings of fraudulence, despite clear accomplishments.
Research by leadership development consultancy Brené Brown has found that the number one barrier to courageous leadership is not fear—it‘s how we respond to our fear. When we‘re armored up and unwilling to show vulnerability, we limit our own potential for growth and connection.
Projecting more confidence than we really feel is a common coping mechanism, but it comes at a cost to our wellbeing and relationships. The antidote isn‘t to abandon efforts to be more self-assured, but rather to focus on cultivating true, deep-seated confidence—the kind that empowers us to take risks while also embracing our inevitable missteps and uncertainties.
Cultivating Authentic Confidence
So how do we bridge the gap between others‘ perceptions of our confidence and our own lived reality? The bad news is there‘s no quick fix—authentic self-assurance takes time and intentional effort to develop. But the good news is that with the right strategies and mindset, genuine confidence is achievable for anyone.
Try these evidence-based techniques to build self-belief from the inside out:
Develop a growth mindset: Pioneering psychologist Carol Dweck has found that individuals who view talents and abilities as malleable rather than fixed are more resilient in the face of setbacks. Embracing the belief that you‘re capable of learning and improving makes it easier to take risks and bounce back from failures.
Practice self-compassion: Instead of beating yourself up for mistakes or perceived shortcomings, extend yourself the same grace and understanding you‘d offer a good friend. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion is linked to greater motivation, better mental health outcomes and more sustainable confidence over time.
Celebrate small wins: Keep a running list of your accomplishments and refer back to it often, especially when self-doubt rears its head. Remember, progress is more important than perfection.
Surround yourself with support: Seek out mentors, colleagues, friends and family members who believe in your abilities and cheer on your growth. Knowing you have a stable support system can give you the courage to step outside your comfort zone.
Embrace authenticity: Give yourself permission to be fully human, flaws and all. The more you‘re able to show up authentically in relationships and endeavors, the more grounded you‘ll feel in your own worth—regardless of external validation.
Watch your self-talk: Notice the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you‘re capable of. Are they helping you feel empowered, or holding you back? Work on reframing negative self-talk into more constructive (and realistic) inner monologues.
Take action: Confidence is ultimately a byproduct of facing our fears and living true to our values, one small brave act at a time. Challenge yourself to take one risk each day that puts your skills and self-belief to the test—whether that‘s speaking up in a meeting, setting a boundary, or trying something brand new.
Remember, building confidence is an ongoing, nonlinear process. There will be plenty of days when you don‘t feel particularly self-assured, no matter how diligently you put these strategies into practice. The key is to keep showing up for yourself with self-compassion and a commitment to growth.
The Bottom Line
Seeming confident and being confident aren‘t always one and the same. In a world that tells us to constantly project poise and self-assurance, it‘s easy to get caught in the trap of feeling like an imposter in our own lives.
But by recognizing the external forces that shape perceptions of confidence (hello, social media), getting curious about the root causes of our self-doubt, and using proven techniques to cultivate a more grounded sense of self-belief, we can start to close the gap between how we‘re seen and how we feel.
No matter where you are on your confidence journey, remember this: You are so much more than others‘ opinions and projections. True, lasting confidence comes from learning to trust yourself above all else—and that‘s a skill we can all keep strengthening, one brave act at a time.
